Stumbled upon Serendipity.

The curtains are nearly closing.

2012-01-30T13:30:00.003+08:00

Yes, tomorrow I will enter university and start my long, tumultuous journey of achieving a scroll in my hand inked with words like, "1st Class Honours", "Excellent student" and LLBS. (Everybody say Amen!)

I enjoyed my holiday a lot. I've learned how to play a guitar through youtube, made some art and travelled courtesy of debate and my parents. The only thing that's left on my list is to sew a baju kurung, which I don't know whether I would want to pursue, still, or not. And like all other good things, (and this one by far was the greatest) this one is coming to an end too as of next morning.

Which only means one thing, the next chapter of my life that's filled with ink, all nighters, thick books, law dictionaries, coffee (which means plain water), friends, debate (hopefully) and endless cases with long sophisticated names starts. And ends in another 6 years.

I hope that all goes well.

Cheers.

p.s. Please call me, please please. You know who you are.
p.p.s. Who am I kidding? You DON'T know who you are. Or, you forgot?

The offerings.

2012-01-27T14:34:00.001+08:00

By far, nobody has ever managed to outcarve (read: newly coined) the initials consolidated on that tree.

You got the award for the most heart shapes received from YT.
You received a cornucopia of nicknames from YT that it can be made into a dictionary for the public's referrence.
You have a book and a song written for you by YT, each and every page dedicated to you. A description of every iota of feeling YT felt (maybe still feeling), each and every single hour of every single day; a desperate attempt to make YT's love to you eternal. Evidently, trying to follow suit Shakespeare's courageous and noble attempt; an attempt failed.
Poems with your names, short untold stories stashed in a vault hoping to be retrieved (and still hoping to be) one fine day.

If that didn't prove how much you mean(t) to YT, she doesn't know what else she could do to portray her love towards you.

Wish you were here and not there,
YT.

Estuary, take me far away.

2012-01-27T02:02:00.002+08:00

You know what's more dangerous than silent nights?

Silent nights accompanied by the eloquent silence that is your own wandering thoughts, a picture in your hand with a face white-washed by bleach, a bleak memory of something fuzzy and no one else as company. Your eyes stare right into your soul as it hovers over the seven different rivers; Lonely, Hope, Dreams, Regret, Love etc; that comes down to an estuary which then meets one vast sea; a sea of remembrance. This is where the recollection of past memories flow straight into. Sometimes when it gets overwhelming, it floods the land and when it's heals, it condenses itself and floats into the air as tiny, unseen, insignificant particles called gas or compounds.

And the next time, when it gets too overwhelming, the clouds will let out a heavy sigh and cry.

For the girl with the white-washed picture.

The void and the occupied.

2012-01-26T22:55:00.001+08:00

Deep down inside, sometimes I think that I suffer from bipolar. My mood doesn't swing; swing is an understatement. My mood, brings down the swing; lifts the goddamn buildings and houses like a Cat 5 hurricane; churns everything inside that hollow whirlwind of nothingness and spits it all out.
My mood is a destructive being. It seeks comfort in knowing that it has destroyed everything standing in it's path and finishes it off with a bitchy smile on it's void face. My mood is an animal; a vulture. It relishes meat, blood and emotions. Subsequently, licking the remnants of thick crimson liquid on it's fingers, dry.

Bitter, irreconcilable, distasteful, hatred: it's all of that.

Despite of the horrendous track record my mood seems to have, there's still a soft, warm centre interlaced with all of the negativity that seems to be in an endless cycle. I believe it's yin and yang. I believe it's making me sane whatever the hell that warm thing is.

Just stay put. Don't go away. Or, you'll leave me rotting with misery.

I see your face in every flower.

2012-01-25T21:04:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time, in a far far away land called Wherever existed a child who was infamous for her cunning demeanor. She always got away with the trouble she got herself into. How? By outsmarting the adults that surrounded her. Always did she remind herself that by using your brain to it's optimum level, you would have things going your way even when it seems that all odds are going against you; odds are definitely beatable.

One day, she went to her friend's house and saw a bowl of sweets. But not only did she see a bowl of sweets, there, amongst the colourful confectioneries, lay a large rainbow-swirl lollipop that caught her eyes; glimmering with light, calling on that little girl. Tempting her to take it.

"Nope. Na-uh. I can't. Not this time you wont," She told herself. The lollipop's owner would be furious; worse off, the owner was her friend.

The lollipop was now in her hand. Maybe, she'll forgive me. Yeap, she will. She nodded.

As an attempt to comfort herself, she laid out a million of possibilities of how the outcome will turn out to be like; the ones she wished for. Well, there're lots of other candy stores out there and I reckon a lollipop isn't that expensive. And so, she took the lollipop, peeled off the wrapper and licked it until all that was left was the stick. Surprisingly, she felt indifferent about the situation.

Burp!

No guilt, nothing. Nada.

When the adults came back and asked where the lollipop was.

She shrugged.

But you were the only one here. It must have been you! You ate the lollipop! Admit it! We know it was you. The adults pushed her to a corner in the room.

With her innocent eyes, she looked up at them and said, No, I didn't eat it. I didn't eat the lollipop! I swear I didn't! I just licked it. I told you I didn't eat it.

I just licked it. See?

I wish I could vaporise you as well as my memory

2012-01-20T16:40:00.000+08:00

There's just this one feeling that you have when your words are robbed away from you.

When... when...

Okay, shut it. It's not that important. Stop making a mountain out of a molehill.

But I hate you and it's not cool.

Food.

2012-01-17T00:16:00.002+08:00

Just because

Lost in translation

2012-01-12T03:07:00.001+08:00

Sometimes you just need to see things in a different light even if it means doing it alone. Other times, you get the chance to witness the life of other people with the people that you love. The bustling city; the sunshine; cold weather; layers; sweat; strangers; an entirely different currency; a new language and other elements.

Maybe I am in need of an exotic escapade or something of that sort. What I can say is that I am a lucky lass to have such supporting parents.

Let's try and find myself that I lost. Even if it means doing it alone.

Thanks mom and dad. (:

2 hours to go.

This is a personal post that you mightn't find entertaining.

2012-01-10T03:39:00.003+08:00

Yes, I am writing this post to you at 2.45 a.m. Partly because I've spent a hefty 3 hours in the afternoon sleeping on the cold but nevertheless cosy floor. And the other part is due to the endless flow of creative brainjuice that constantly, without fail decides to flow in the wee hours of the morning. It's a writer's (with the minimal skill that I have in writing, I dare to call myself that?!) problem or maybe, it's just my problem. Blah, I don't think I'll figure it out in the near future, why bother now?

Anyhow, life has been pretty much amusing these past few days (and the days to come). Luckily, I've planned a lot of stuff for myself to enjoy every little bit of every little day, savour each hour like it's some rare expensive wine (by wine, I mean orange juice) until the very end of my four month not-so-special-but-i'd-like-to-think-so journey. Thanks to the reminder that's eternally set in my brain, I keep on reminding myself how many days I have left before I can pursue my education in Law School. Yes, I intended to make it sound posh and fancy. It gives me a purpose. And there goes my head...

Whatever it is, two days ago, we celebrated Nadhrah's eighth birthday. It just dawned on me that time moves so fast. I know, I'm a little bit slow. Or I already knew that one cliched of a phrase but I guess, you have your moments when memories really knock you hard on your head and you start to realise things aren't just the way they were anymore, not what they used to be. It felt like she was just a small chubby cuter version of herself baby Nadhrah. Anyways, for her birthday, me and my cousin decided to bake cupcakes for her birthday and so, we did. It turned out, okay. Although, it could've been a little bit moist. The presentation was decent. We managed to buy the table centre-piece for 0.50 cents and the other goodybag items for that price as well. We tossed everything relevant we could get our hands on into the trolley. It kinda felt like boxing day divided by 10; it was just an unimaginably small section that's deserted from the shoppers nearby. Still, boxing day on my mind.

Blogger load being a douche. My pictures aren't properly uploaded

see the presentable cupcakes?

birthday girl

Note: The above commentary about the cupcakes are an understatement. The characterisation of how it tasted like was way off than how the writer described it to be.

But hey, that's how you gain self-confidence! If you want to be a good cook, you gotta start believing in yourself. That "yes, farhana! You can do it! You can bake terrific cupcakes and it will taste exactly like how Martha Stewart's cupcakes turn out to be". (When in reality, I know better.)

And they bought a cake just in case nobody wanted to eat the cupcakes we baked. Or, "to empower their freedom of choice" for it to sound politically correct. Guess what? They made a pretty good decision. Barely anyone touched the cupcakes. -_- And most of the cupcakes eaten, were by those who baked them. FUNNY

And today, I didn't do much except wake up pointlessly early. Pointless because I didn't do anything but watch telly until it's 10 o'clock. That presh time should be used for sleeping. Did some house chores and that's that. Well, tomorrow I'm looking forward to something different. I asked my sister if she wanted to accompany me to go and jog. We'll see how it goes. Usually when the above scenario happens, I'll be jogging on my bed as opposed to on the field. (Catch my drift?)

There - a pretty damn long post that contains nothing but selfish remarks about how my day went and how I am under the impression that people would actually bother to read this post until the very end of it.

Oh and one last thing, Happy birthday, Abi. I love you more than you will ever know (:

taken using Cheshire

Let's end this post with a picture worth pleasing my stalkers. ( I can't belive I'm feeding you guys with something that would backfire upon me)

An acrobatic act by me and cousin. Using that long paper thingamajig, thinking that we were capable of being a rythmic gymnast sans the horridious leotards. I think I aced it pretty well. The air-borne pose and all.

My personal cool-o-meter has self-raised it's coolness by a factor of 10.
Anybody who concedes, say I!

Anybody? Alright, bye.

2012-01-09T08:30:00.001+08:00

I think I've been pretty mean lately. I've been avoiding people who don't deserve such treatment.

Because I'm so good at pretending as if we've never been friends before and I'm so good at avoiding people whom I know. I deem it as a talent.

What is wrong with me? Distancing myself away from those who love me, walking closer to those who don't.

I'm mean. And I hate myself for being so.
I really do.

Unnerving.

2012-01-07T22:29:00.000+08:00

Tell me the reason why you've been avoiding me and maybe, I'll tell you mine.

Materialistic.

2012-01-04T10:49:00.003+08:00

Me Them Husna

*makes an announcement during dinner*

Okay, baiklah rakyat jelata. Saya ingin mengumumkan, sesiapa yang ada terjumpa jam biru saya that's blue in colour would get an RM10 reward. I still haven't found it yet. Usually, it'll make it's way back to me. Dah one month, agak risau.

*brothers and minor cousins starts paying attention*

RM10? Woah? Seriously?

Seriously.

*everybody frantically searches for my watch*

And for the next hour or so, I am presented with an array of blue watches which looks nothing like mine.

You guys ni buat untuk duit je eh?

Mestila, kita kan hidup dalam dunia materialistik. Says the 8 year-old cousin.

And the search for my watch continues, still. Should I start worrying by now? Yes.

I'm worried. Extremely.

Inner demons.

2012-01-03T17:13:00.003+08:00

It was months after that veil has been lifted and I, disenchanted from the spell I was once in. The spell that festered a disease in my ailing heart; the ache that had no means of being assuaged by any parties. The feeling of deterioration; voidness and being alone.

I finally break free from that artificial impediment.

For months, I’ve tried to dismantle this huge piece of puzzle and bring myself together. Though my efforts were often futile, I let time do it’s work with a fragment of will coming from this heart to consolidate the effort and pure endeavor in countering the potently self-destructing grievances.

I’m winning the battle, I should have that mentality. I won’t give up, I should say that more often. I need to surrender and submit myself back to the Almighty and maybe these efforts that are ongoing will never be a one-man battle. Instead, I have Him to assist me throughout my ups and especially, downs.

Gradually taking that saw to break myself from this invisible chain that’s holding me down.

Self-control is what I need.

You've been crossing the lines too many times.

2012-01-01T22:58:00.001+08:00

If I were given a chance to do something at you,

I'd hurt you. I'd slap the bejesus out of your pretty face. I'll slash your body with a sharp blade. I'd kick the sanity out of your superficial body. I'd put poison in your drink; mercury; tetanus; tetrodotoxin and many others. I'd hang you upside down and let you drown in a tub of boiling water. Probably you'd die from the heat first and your soul would suffocate after that. Either way, you'd still die. I'd cut your tongue and burn it in a blazing hot flame. I'd burn your hair. I'd slit your throat and let the blood gush out of your sad body.

There are a million gory things that I can do to you. Sadly, it's all in my head.
Just so you know, I have emotions too.

Bitch, please stop crossing the fucking line. Put some sense in that sorry brain of your's.

Lost in a sea of people

2012-01-01T01:57:00.002+08:00

The clock struck twelve.

There goes the spectacular fireworks flying up in the air, exploding into a million brightly coloured lights flickering across the pitch black sky, like a bottle of colourful glitter intentionally spilt on a black canvas. Or, a can of neon paint splattered by an artist on the surface of tar.

My eyes gazed upon the sky, staring in awe. Overwhelmed by the power of physics and chemistry; the extent people went to create highly beautiful but terribly dangerous things. I contemplated and tried to understand the aesthetics to it.

Your soft hands quietly sliding into mine, holding it tightly when I was too busy immersing myself in my own deep thoughts. Your eyes piercing through the atmosphere, dreaming and wishing there, in the oblivion, existed a milky way. My head rested on your wide shoulders and we silently counted the formation of fireworks that existed across the sky.

Everyone shouted "Happy New Year" simultaneously. Confetti bursting in every direction, colourful raindrops.

You lifted me up in the air and I spread my arms wide open, waiting for the wind to swipe me and lift me like a feather. Infinite. I imagined myself with wings, flapping them in an attempt to take flight and reach my hands to one of the stars, come back down and give it back to you. You laughed at this thought and you planted a kiss on my cheek. Reminding me, once again, how you were deeply in love with me and I grinned.

We found ourselves back on the bench where we sat down earlier. People from all walks of life, strangers passing by creating a herd of elephants right in front of our very eyes. Couples sitting down together, sipping hot chocolate from a shared styrofoam cup and mutely whistling the heat out of their body. We're the lucky ones.

And here I am, sitting down in a cafè, listening to a jazz hit by Fitzgerald called "dream a little dream of me" , writing down in Sam; describing every single movement that is happening beyond this window pane. Enjoying every single sip of tea that warms my body. Savouring the solitude that I'm blessed with.

Happy new year, darling. Wherever you may be.

I wish you all the love in the world. :)

The perfect new year celebration: 100 floors

2011-12-31T20:57:00.003+08:00

She brought him to the highest peak in the city. 100 floors. Already that morning she intricately planned a surprise for their third anniversary. She held his hand while making their way up the stairs. Smiling each time their eyes met. He was trying to read what was really in store for him. He hated surprises but for this time only, he'll let it pass. Deep down inside, he never really thought that she was capable of doing such a thing.

"Are we there yet?" he asked

"No darling, another 10 levels," She smiled furtively.

"But why can't we take the lift?"

"This is supposed to be special hon, don't worry. It'll all be worth it.," she said.

You'll have all the time you need to rest after this, she thought to herself.

After what seemed to be a lifetime, they finally made it to the rooftop. The scenery from up above was breathtaking. The wind gently caressing their skin; her luscious black hair graciously tangled; she was so pretty , he couldn't help but to stare. He was overwhelmed by the bokeh of lights that seemed to float in the air. The building looked as if they were jars containing fireflies.

"Wow, honey. I love this. I underestimated everything, this is just.. beyond words!" he said

She held his hand and guided him to the edge of the building. She asked him to hold her hand, requested that he stood there, at the divider just to complete the whole experience.

"Are you sure, love?"

"Unequivocally. Trust me. I've been here before,"

And so he did.

She placed both of her hands tightly on his waist. Pushing him slowly but abruptly.

Surprise!

She looked down from above. All that was visible was a blotch of deep red paint, or so it seemed. A wry smile plastered on her face.

Rot in hell, bastard.

You got what you deserved. Now, rest all you want.

School days.

2011-12-31T19:01:00.000+08:00

The hands of the clock seemed to move ten times slower.

Tick tock, tick tock.

You've seen it in the movies. The scene whereby the producer decides to put the movie into slow motion. Mentally torturing not only the character but also the viewers.

-
The lecture given by her teacher didn't seem to matter.
X=Y+Z, a=b+c and 23a-4c=98. Whaat?

The chatter of her friends just didn't make any sense.

There was only one thing on her mind: K.

When will the long hand finally make it to the 45 mark? She had another 15 minutes but to her, it was stretched into a period of god-knows-how-many hours. She couldn't wait any longer. Her mind was restless; she was scared that she might not make it on time. She bit her nails to distract herself; she couldn't sit still up to the point where she annoyed her desk mates.

"Stop fidgeting, A!"

Her mind was anywhere but here.

"What if K's already in somebody else's hands?" she whispered worriedly.

"No lah, K won't!" Reassuring words from her friends just to make her stop stressing the hell out.

"What if I have to pay extra?" she said with a hint of despair.

As if 15 minutes wasn't enough to torment her soul, her teacher gave her twice the hell she had to deal with by deciding to extend the class until .50 .

"Ugh, WHAT WHAT? TEACHER NOOO! I REFUSE TO SIT HERE!" Of course, it was all in her mind. She wouldn't have dared to say that out loud. She would've been out of her mind if she did. She knew that her teacher would never understand the deep affection that she felt, the attachment that she had towards K even if she spoke out her mind. Especially at that given time, .45.

"Class dismissed. Thank you,"

She sighed heavily.

Dismissed? Thanks for nothing. Now, there's a possibility that I might lose K. What if the offer's closed?? She didn't dare to let that thought cross her mind. The thought of losing K.

As soon as her teacher left, she lifted her skirt, ran as fast as she possibly could down the stairs; pushing anybody that blocked her way.

"Hey! Look where you're going missy!" shrieked a passerby who nearly found herself, if not for her friend's help, in the drain.

The only thing that was on her mind was K.

I've been faithful for the past month. I can't let K fall into another person's hands.

Finally, she stopped. Bending down, she tried to catch her breath that was lost from all of the running and the obstacles that entailed. She stood there, her eyes trying to make out what was in front of her. She forgot to bring her glasses.

Stupid me.

There, placed in front of her, a gleaming light that flared from a basket in the Koop. One she had never seen before. Or, she would like to think she never did, just for the effect.

YES! her heart leaped with joy

She opened the basket.

3 left. Which meant, RM 0.50 after calculating.

It was 4.00 p.m. ,

"Kak, is there still a discount for the Karipap Sardin? I'm not too late am I? "

"Yes, there is. Take all of it lah. It's all on me," said the kakak.

"REALLY?!"

"Yep,"

She inhaled the fragrant smell emanated by pastry and gripped the plastic tightly in her hand. Now that she had all the time in the world, she walked blissfully back to class with a wide smile plastered on her face.

She couldn't get over the fact of how lucky she got today. Certainly, she won't push her luck for tomorrow. Too much was at stake.

A and her karipap sardine.

-

That was the tale of how a girl was extremely obsessed with the karipap sardin sold at 4.00 p.m. Not because of the difference in taste but more to the price.

Call her cheap, it's not a bad thing anyway. Haha.

A necessary lie.

2011-12-28T15:46:00.001+08:00

Fucking relevant.

Pendants.

2011-12-27T22:44:00.003+08:00

She lay on the grass, with a book in her right hand and a pencil in the other. The clouds were beautiful today. Not that it was never beautiful on any other day but today it seemed more appealing to her. They hold a different shape, fluffy like cotton candies. Some flowers; dolphins; babies. The only difference was that it had a vast amount of the shades of blue. Ocean blue; light blue; dark blue; deep blue. She shaded her eyes using her hand to get a clearer view of the azure sky with the birds that seemed as if they were graciously floating in the air rather than flying. Picturesque. She inhaled the serene air. Calm. She knew that it would make her day better be it temporarily.

The park seemed to be the perfect option for her to submit herself after a long, strenuous day at home. It was the only place she could seek refuge. The grass was her bed. The insects, the animals in the undergrowth seemed to be the perfect companion. They never played with her feelings. She could tell her stories to them. Vent out her anger and her problems. Yes, maybe they didn't have the power to reply to her rants. Deep down, she knew, they did listen, they did care, they did reply. It's just she couldn't hear them. Therefore, she constantly apologised. Acknowledging the existence of their feelings.

At least here, she was never alone.

* * *

She had to endure another round of scrutiny from her step-mother. Her body was beaten and bruised by her words. As if the emotional abuse wasn't enough, she was also flogged, pinched and kicked by her . She submitted herself towards such brutality and cruelty. Knowing that there was no way out. If she resisted, she'd get another round of beating. Life couldn't have been better.

"Why didn't you sweep the floor? You IDIOT!"

She looked down, stared intently at the floor as though it could save her.

One strike.

She closed her eyes. If mom was here.

Second strike.

I'm strong. I cannot cry. I shouldn't cry. Her fingers tightly clenching her ragged skirt. Trying to channel the pain to other receptacles. It was her way to wad the pain.

* * *

Lying down on the grass, she touched her bum. She tenderly stroked the bruises.

"Mom, it hurts. So badly. I wish you were here with me,"

She imagined she was on her mother's lap. Imagining the palpable aura of affection that managed to pierce through her skin. Leaving a permanent warmth which lingered in her veins pumping through her heart.

It was her source of strength. Her invisible pendant.

There, she slept on her mother's lap tender, as the grass.

In retrospect,

2011-12-27T11:52:00.001+08:00

Paling cukup tak suka kalau seseorang itu sewaktu di bangku sekolah beria-ria menyuruh kita menjaga batas dan pergaulan. Contohnya, jangan bercakap dengan berlainan jantina sekiranya tiada perkara penting; chatting; facebooking dan perbualan di laman sosial yang lainlain.

Bila kita lihat mereka sekarang, mereka buat perkara sama.

Cakap tak serupa bikin. Memang saya cukup tak berkenan.

sekian.

p.s. rindu mengarang dalam bahasa melayu. Tatabahasa semua berterabur.

Life is a riddle I wish I had the answer for

2011-12-21T13:36:00.004+08:00

She looked from a distance. With a wide smile. Sitting alone on the swing, to and fro, she swings herself.

The stars and the lights lifting the sombre air that seemed to waft in the atmosphere with delight. From there she scanned the happy families that were content from the warmth that reverberated surprisingly, up to her vicinity. She swore she could feel their laughter, their body contact that seemed to act as an insulator from the freezing nights of winter. Their joy was just infectious.

She hugged herself in the layers she was in. Closing her eyes, she desperately tried to imagine she was a part of that.

Mom and dad were laughing together. Their two daughters bickering over something that looked from afar, petty. Laughing it off a few minutes after that as if nothing happened. Then, they resulted to bullying their brothers. Teasing them with names in which were only known to them, inside jokes in which she couldn't really decipher. Regardless of that, whatever it was, she knew if she understood what the joke was about, it must have been something really funny.

She thought to herself, that's my past.

She smiled, knowing the existence of happiness. A ray of hope.

She cried, knowing she wasn't that lucky to earn such blessings.

She sat down, basking in the view that managed to cheer her up even,

with the insurmountable sadness present.

It was all from a distant dream. It's not within her reach.

Sighing heavily, she stood up and walked away.

Leaving the park, the swing, the slides uninhabited. As how she felt.

Empty.

As A Perfume - Arthur Symons

2011-12-21T12:54:00.002+08:00

As a perfume doth remain
In the folds where it hath lain,
So the thought of you, remaining
Deeply folded in my brain,
Will not leave me: all things leave me:
    You remain.

Other thoughts may come and go,
Other moments I may know
That shall waft me, in their going,
As a breath blown to and fro,
Fragrant memories: fragrant memories
    Come and go.

Only thoughts of you remain
In my heart where they have lain,
Perfumed thoughts of you, remaining,
A hid sweetness, in my brain.
Others leave me: all things leave me:
    You remain.

Just a sweet poem that I happened to come across in the net.

The world on your shoulders

2011-12-20T22:12:00.000+08:00

There's one problem with being smart.

People think that you can do everything and what they expect you can do. So they try to shove their dreams in your life or they try to make a decision for you and coerce you to comply with their decisions because they think, You are smart and you can do that. You can push yourself.

But that's the problem, when you know what you want isn't the same as what other people want for you, in some way, you have to follow what they want because what they want matters more. They claim that they know you better. That if you say you can't do this you're just being lazy.

That's not the problem, it's not the problem whether I'll be lazy and in turn, flunk my subjects. It's a matter of whether I have passion for something. Whether I love what I'm doing. And I don't think I can foster love in something that I'm forced to do.

Still, when it comes to what they want, it always supersedes what you want, because hey, it's they whom that matters, not you. Right!

Because you don't really want to hear
" Are you trying to disappoint me?"
" Are you trying to crush the hopes that I once had for you? "
" Can't you just for this one time, listen to what I want? "

Consequently, you raise the white flag. You give in. You're not supposed to be happy. You're a machine, who needs to make everybody else happy. Just not you.

Not you.

Overdue pictures.

2011-12-20T01:26:00.001+08:00

Just because I had to share this with you.

the pictures do not hold any justice for the brilliantly sculpted buildings. Regardless,

still awe inspiring. :)

And I love you guys :)

creds to papa pervy's trusty camera. Without which, our memories would fade and be forgotten.

5+1+2+2 : It's not about your scars, it's all about your heart.

2011-12-19T20:32:00.000+08:00

I would never have guessed how that night would turn out to be an event that could change my life for the years to come. All that I remember were loud screams, endless tears, walking, running and a stream of blurry images that seems to have a mind of it's own. Refusing to be remembered for the excruciating pain caused. The pain so fresh, it's as if everything happened yesterday.

The scars, it's deep. The wounds, it bleeds. Stitches refuse to bind the flesh together, unhealed. The blood, torrents of blood.

I learnt to live without you and your attention and your love. I told myself I didn't need it, I am capable of being independent. I distanced myself away from you. Years passed by, no efforts made to alleviate the pain. To repair the bloody damage.

And here we are.

Standing. Eye to eye. Fake smiles plastered on our faces.

I barely even know you anymore. I wish I did.

So we could talk more often. A conversation that could last for ages. No, let's start with a minute.
Let's gradually increase the span after that. Actually, a comfortable silence would be nice too.

And maybe if things didn't turn out the way they did, I'd understand you a little bit more.

Maybe,

We'd talk. Instead of the yes, no's and hmmms that seems to replace the verbs, subjects and predicates.
You'd tell me your stories and I'd genuinely put an effort to listen to it.

It's something I wish I could do. But I can't, anymore.
Truth is, you've left me and I can only wait.

I wish you knew that I do love you. Actually, we all do. :'(

Adieu.

Maggots, I love.

2011-12-17T20:27:00.000+08:00

I don't know why but whenever a mishap happens, usually it will fall (90% of the time) upon me.

Like today for instance, we bought a bucketful of maggots for the Arowanas/Dragon fish. Delish food for them. Juicy, fat and all that. Trying to prove myself as the brave one in the car when everybody refused to take up the responsibility to hold the damn bucket upon offer, I hugged it and placed it on my lap. Condemning the others for being scared of little maggots that are nothing really compared to cockroaches. They can't fly, they have no feet (or even if it existed, it's barely visible) and they are just helpless little creatures. Cute, up to some extent.

So, the tragedy started when I freed the bucket from my strong arms, leaving it freely wobbling on my lap. Alternately, I used my hands to camwhore with my siblings in the car. Oblivious to the fact that the bucket tumbled (on my lap) and the maggot crawled out of the holed bucket cap ONTO MY POOR LITTLE FINGERS.

I felt something crawling but I thought, you know, that's just me. But, that wasn't just me. Me was wrong and fingers were right. The fat juicy maggots were on my lap dancing happily to the rhythm of the car.

When I finally, FINALLY realised what was happening, I screamed (who wouldn't right). Everybody who was sitting beside me tried their best to get out of the moving car. Yes, it was impossible to get out jsyk. Everyone was moving away from me and screamed shouter than I did. Maybe they thought their voice really could help me in my distress. Negatory.

I was still, sitting there, helplessly with the maggots on my lap, some on the floor. Terrified.

Luckily, my aunt pulled over. My mom went out of the car trying to do some damage control, asked me to pick the maggots with my BARE HANDS and put it in the bucket back.

Shaking, I did. Their fat little jiggly bodies.... scarred me for life.

Conclusion that can be derived is:

1) to never act cool.

2) never take up a responsibility like taking care of maggots, when nobody else wants to. Rejecting it might have been a better idea.

3) Maggots are not as pretty and innocent as they appear to be.

4) Bring hand sanitiser wherever you go.

Traumatised,

farhana.

Singapore

2011-12-17T19:51:00.001+08:00

Ah, I'm usually trying to prevent myself from writing down about the happenings of my life and try really to reserve some information to myself. Not really giving much away to them stalkers. Yeah, whoever you are, it's safe to assume that you exist. Acknowledging your existence means that I need to always be wary of the things that I post in the internet. Hence, the usual ambiguous posts which is heavily loaded with emotions and other unnecessary, insignificant things.

And let me tell you first, there'll be no form of entertainment whatsoever in this post. So you won't be inclined to read it. It's all just a truckload of words. And I know, as a stalker myself, words aren't really entertaining and worth of my time. I love pictures and that's that.

Anyways, apart from demotivating you, I really don't have that much idea on what else to do. And I really love this autocorrect thingamajig on the computer because I'm just too lazy to peruse back through the pages (might) of words and correct every single error. The beauty of technology. Can I get a what what?!

Okay. Stop rambling.

Singapore has been marvelous really. Apart from the existence of NeWater or what some of my friends put it as clean "pee" water, we're absolutely fine. I don't drink it though. Based on principles, I get it, it might be cleaner than the mineral water bottle but the source... is just utterly disturbing.

Debating has been intense, as always...nothing new but the experience of traveling to another country (Singapore counts alright, you need a passport okay) is what makes the whole journey of debating different.

Yeah, well, there's not really much of a culture going on around here except for the culture of hygiene-ity and values/mannerisms that are portrayed by the locals (in which imo a huge disparity exists between Singapore and Malaysia) but other than that, no culture at all. Zilch.

One thing that amazes me though, is the brilliant, awesome, pretty, extraordinary (running out of words here) architecture that's going on around here. (NUS) In all seriousness, I don' think that there's an institution like this in Malaysia, there might be but maybe 20 years to come. Just not now. Hehehe. When I first arrived prior to entering the hostel, I already had extremely high expectations about the rooms. Tell you this, not only were my expectations met but it went to infinity and beyond (lame, I know) my expectations. It's like a hotel really. Well, erm, you do have to pay for 40 bucks per night...but it's preferably better than sleeping at this Ah tong hotel for the same rate and getting a hard rock bed with no motion censor lights (yes, NUS hostel is brilliant) and highly advanced doors...which are too complicated to explain so you have to experience it yourself.

The downside of Singapore is, the nightlife. Because of it's, hate to break it down to you, inexistence. Taxis are hard to find after 10, MRTs all closed at 12. Malls are closed by 10. Being the bum that I usually am, Blaaahhh, I couldn't care less really.

Funny thing is, since I speak in English (pretty fluent,trying not to toot anything) and nobody thinks I'm from Malaysia because, this is my theory..... they don't think Malaysians can speak English? But that's just me and my theory. And my theory is unreliable. So there. But they think I'm from Indonesia and it's a pretty good... country. I guess.

Epic fails are unencumbered. As always, my dear debate mates has never failed to be my source of entertainment from day to day. Some fails are just downright hilarious (the victims calls it an honest mistake on their defence) up to the point of inducing tears.

Take this one for instance, Hafidzi was trying to ask directions to NUS from a fellow Singaporean. With his confidence and pride, walked straight up to the person and asked.

Turned out that person wasn't Singaporean, he was from Thailand.

Poor hafidzi for trying to make an effort to help ease our journey and all that he got in return was a plethora of chuckles and sarcastic remarks that never really ended after that. Sorry bro.

Or when Zim tried to ask a taxi driver about Singapore and he got ignored. In the end, Zim desperately tried to steer away from the conversation and said something random like " Hey guys, Look! A world of cranes!"

Okay, so you might not get why it's so hilarious. Regardless, I'm writing it down anyway so I can have a good laugh when I read it back.

Sadly, we didn't manage to break this time. After six gruelling rounds, my team managed to get 10 points out of 17. Needed another 2 points to break. Speaker points were not that good either. (Nearly there) Maybe we can try harder next year. Hopefully, I'll be participating again.

Lastly, the whole journey was loads of fun especially with the presence of my debate mates; the kecoh guys and the girls. :) They truly make the world a better place to live in with their disfunctionality, the shafting and the endless laughter.

That's a wrap then. No more debate until next year. Which is terribly good news for my mother.

Bye!

Dedicated to a dear friend

2011-12-17T14:11:00.000+08:00

Facebook seemed too congested with people and I thought it wasn't special enough to post something to you in just one wall post. It doesn't give the day any justice. Birthdays are meant to be special and wishes are an integral part of the birthday (along with prayers) . In spite of that, I'm not saying that posting on facebook is wrong or whatever... it's just a personal opinion.

Myeah. And before I ramble on any further, I would like to wish my dear friend, Awin "Honey" Farieza ( I know you have a hani after farieza btw, just seemed redundant to repeat the same thing hehe) a Happy happy happy birthday.

I hope that with the increase in age marks an increase in iman (sounds like a hypothesis to a science lab experiment) and may Allah bless you and provide you with streaks of never-ending success and happiness throughout.

Thanks for being a marvelous friend. Sharing my love for art (photography and sketching and drawing and doodling (the list goes on))

Hope you have a good one.

much love,
Bunny :)

p.s. don't forget to thank your mother. If anybody, she should be the one who deserves all the wishes for raising you up and all. :DD (my mom told me that)

Your heart is a diamond ring.

2011-12-16T09:54:00.000+08:00

When I think about the past and the regret that comes with it, it's inevitable for me to deeply contemplate about other things. Things. Ahhh, the beauty of ambiguity.

It's not worth regretting. Really, it's not.

And I guess yesterday I finally achieved some sort of, lets say peace with myself.

Pat her at the back. Tell her it's okay.

It's really okay to be ignored, her friend said. It's better that way.

Guard yourself.

On an entirely separate note, I'm loving the socks that I just bought. Warming my little ugly toes.

2011-12-13T02:42:00.001+08:00

Like the first breath of fresh air that you inhale every morning,
I would give you the pardon of which you deserve.
Free.

Like the first flower that blooms after the harsh winter,
I'll embrace you with the warmth of the first ray of sunlight.
Happiness.

And as the flames of our love rekindles,
I would unhesitatingly give you a second chance.
Hope.

Only if you promise to make it right.
And stay true to those words.
Nothing more, nothing less,
I will ask.

Reminders need to be ingrained,
let's start:

First, Your head,
Then, Your brain.
Next, Your will,
Now, Your hands.

Those soft hands,
bearing this fragile little thing called
the heart.

p.s. lovely date.

Random thoughts in the wee hours of the night

2011-12-13T02:08:00.001+08:00

The songs on my iTunes are on shuffle and as I listen to them one by one, I noticed one thing: My song taste has changed dramatically.

It's a thought worth writing in a post. The inevitable phase of (human) metamorphosis.

The wind slowly caressing my hair as I ponder

2011-12-09T23:56:00.000+08:00

Looking at the circumstance that I am in, it's not safe to assume. It's not safe to say that 'Hey, maybe that's me' .

Stop trying to justify it to yourself and try to secretly take a fragment of pride, thinking that that might be you.

Because for all I know, it might not be me. Maybe it's intended for someone else.

I can't seek comfort in maybes. That word is just loaded with doubt.

It creates more questions and not answers. When all that I'm seeking for are answers.

Why do this to me?

Why me?

F-ck it. Forgive yourself. Appreciate what you have. Not what you haven't.

You might not be able to relate to this post.

2011-12-09T00:57:00.001+08:00

I love you girls to bits and pieces.

Or maybe you might...

This post is for my dear classmates :)

I just added back the gadget that enabled me to peruse through my previous posts just for the heck of it. But one thing which is pretty obvious to me, after reading all of the the post from the creation of this blog up until this very day, is the way that I write. Maybe also, the way that I think.

I used to be so jovial,carefree and to some extent, funny. Moreover, I used to write down every little detail that happened at school or every little conversation that was either pointless or meaningful and not give a care in the world what people would actually say or think of my post.

Maybe it's called growing up. Or it's a phase. I don't know. You know, when you grow up you see things in a different light and you stop writing about things that used to amuse you back in school.

One thing for sure is that I miss my friends and I miss class and I miss my teachers.

If I were given a chance to go through all of it again, I certainly would. (minus the exams etc.)

Guys, Iftikhar/Imtithal/Chocolateers; Zatil the Cow, Nadia the Narcolept, Hanani *coughs :p* , Kak Syeera, Piyah, Eipah, Buyut, Jieha, Leha, Chap, Maryams, Ainnur, Sofia, I miss you lot!!!! (Tell me if somebody's left out alright)

The Happiness Project

2011-12-08T23:10:00.000+08:00

Need to get back on track. Like, right now.

3+1+2+2

2011-12-07T14:36:00.001+08:00

spinning teacups :)

Hmmm, this one is going to be pretty hard because I got a lot of them. In fact, it all started with a community of people coming together due to one common ground. And I found you, and also you, and you....yeah you.

You which I know I instantly clicked with due to the common interest that we had. We shared a lot of things together.

We even called each other up to talk about things like " My cat just gave birth...and the kittens are just so cute". By that time, I knew I liked you and I wanted you to stay. I wanted to be your friend. I wanted you to like me and you did.

Who calls a person just to tell them that their cat just gave birth? I damn sure was touched by that.

And then there's you.

We started off on the wrong foot. But it wasn't that wrong because it was a wrongness that I enjoyed and I immensely enjoyed bickering with you about the most illogical things. People noticed and people knew something was going on and I, was too afraid to admit it. But we remained that way. And you, like the aforementioned, also called me. Called me out of fun, out of boredom. I liked that. And I also wanted you to stay. Not everybody calls me or thinks of me when they're bored. I wanted you to be my friend. But things evolved from there. And we were friends no more. I still want you to be my friend. I wish we never did evolve and stopped being friends. It saddens me until this day.

And then there's you.

I have nothing to say to you. But I'm sorry that I haven't been making an effort. I've been distancing myself away from you and you still are my favourite and I still like you. We used to share everything together. I'd call you when I needed you and you'd call me back. Eventhough we barely knew anything about each other, we were still close. Were. That word still haunts me till this very day.

I can say that I still love all of you equally. Some of you might have left me, or I left you. I don't know.

But it doesn't change the fact that once upon a time ago, when I was bored, all that I could think about was you. When I picked up the phone and thought of calling you, your number was always on speed dial.

People don't easily make their way up to the speed dial position. It's hard.

I'm glad that I'm still with one of you. That we still share the same interest and that you'll always call me if you have to make a decision or ease your qualms. And just you know, talk.

Just know, the three of you will always be my favourite. Always. Even if you don't know that. :)

p.s. don't try to make sense out of it or else, it'll just sound wrong.

Silent nights

2011-12-07T02:02:00.001+08:00

That’s what happened in my alternate reality. A utopian world that will never ever disappoint me. And I dwell in my own thoughts while I try to lullaby myself to sleep. I know I'm still suffering from a disease of acute loneliness.

I still love you. And I hope I will still in the near/distant future. And I hope you’ll too.

Incongruity

2011-12-05T03:07:00.000+08:00

Birthday Wish
A picture by Samantha Everton. I don't own anything

It's okay to tell yourself that things wont start with a bang.

But it will start with a silent implosion, an undertone.

So that nobody will notice.

Let's not start with a bang. Let's start at the bottom.

Quietly make it to the top.

And end it with a bang.

BANG

A ray of hope.

2011-12-03T03:40:00.000+08:00

It is the time for her to be at peace with herself. To summon those spirits that she knew existed deep down in her heart; to accompany her in times like this. She needed some reassurance that she was capable of doing things. Doing things that other people did effortlessly without any strain at all. Doing things that took her an extra courage, an extra dose of determination and definitely, double the hard-work. To form a string of sentences that had the power to fascinate and capture the eyes, ears and senses of other beings. To stand valiantly without indicating any sign of timidity but rather an air of superiority that was able to make herself feel regal. To emanate a vibe that could stun the people within her vicinity; to put them under her spell.

To stand and talk.

She took her pen and her loyal paper. She sat down and she whispered under her breath, "You can do this," She told herself.

All's well, Ends well.

Let's pray that things will start with a Bang.

Airborne

2011-12-01T14:18:00.000+08:00

I'm expecting everything to happen in this month - good and bad.

Just hoping that everyone can muster the strength to make it through this month,

alive.

Needless to say, I wish for everybody a dashing December :)

Cheers.

p.s. Honeycombs :)

The Awesomeness that is She & Him

2011-11-30T22:12:00.000+08:00

2011-11-30T20:20:00.002+08:00

It's all a myth, that love is an eternal flame that can never be put out.

That you're pretty and I would never find another like you, ever.
Or you're the handsomest.
That you're special and you're the queen of my heart, always.
Or you're the lost key to my heart.
That this one will last, not like the others.
And the casual reminders to her : "I will never leave you".

Because if it ever were an eternal flame, you shouldn't have ever been able to witness it
gradually coming to an end.

Right now, that's the only thing we can see.

A fragile flame on a weathered candle-wick trying to survive the harsh wind.

And your promises which back then seemed unbreakable to her/them, is proven once more to be a blatant lie.

The only permanent thing about the flame now is the ashes.

Dust. Inert gas.

edited

2

2011-11-30T19:13:00.003+08:00

maybe you sat on this lofty bench

This is my attempt in writing about my crush. In which I think is pretty difficult because I do have crushes and to narrow it down to only one will evidently be hard.

But to tell you the truth, I never really did have a crush when I was in my teenage years. My friends would constantly pester me with the same question. To actually know who I was fond of, who was that person who would give me a reason to say ” I have butterflies in my tummy ” or that person who would make me stall everytime I tried to talk to him. And I would always disappoint them, saying ” sorry guys, I don’t know. I just don’t have a crush.”

There are two possibilities that I have managed to (conjure??) think off as to why I don’t have a crush. Now I’m sounding like a phsychiatrist. *smug*

Firstly ) Maybe it was because I had a lack of understanding about what a crush really is. Or the term crush itself was(still is) extremely subjective rendering it hard for me to fathom what the real thing was. Is a crush a person who I am obsessed with? A person who I stalk constantly? Because I didn’t stalk guys back then.(except if you are Frankie Muniz, he was in at that time) Heck, I didn’t even have a stable internet connection. So this whole jumbled up definition
on what a crush really is made it harder for me to detect, whether I had a crush on this dude or I just thought he was cute.

I think there’s a fine line between a crush and someone who you think is good-looking/cute/attractive. So I chose the later to base my decisions on, looking at how vague the former really is and I’ve never been obsessed with any of my ex-schoolmates. Sooo, negatory.

Secondly) Because my school segregated the guys and the girls. We innately knew the rules, the do’s and don’ts. Do not talk to a guy if it is unnecessary. Do not be in the class alone with another boy. Lower your gaze. Do not laugh out loudly (which I tried hardly to abide to – failing miserably). And the list goes on and on. I was and still pretty much am alright about it because I amanobedientchild was raised conventionally like that. I didn’t think of “going against the system” (note:there’re always exceptions to the rule :p) and because of the fact that those were all pertaining to my religion, I had a way of accepting things more easily than I thought I could.Maybe it does differ from one person to another. But I survived and I’m alright.

Point is, I didn’t really have an official guy friend up until I was in my upper secondary years where we had to work together.And even then, when I had male friends (barely), the outcome was still, YEAH YOU’VE GUESSED IT!!, nil.

I would like to think that I am normal. I asked my sister about it, I asked my mom about it, I asked my close friends about it. It, being whether or not it was normal for me to not have a crush. And they all answered yes. Okay, some did state the otherwise though.

Right now, I am still crushless but there are a handful of lads whom I think are attractive and I was once…for the lack of any other word, attracted to them.

So here’s a letter to them (same letter to each person):

I wish you knew how much you inspired me. Inspiration comes in so many forms and I, for one, derive it in my own way. Maybe it was because you had a beautiful smile that suprisingly made my day. Maybe it was because you had good taste in music. Maybe it was because you read novels, you love the smell of books and you love to read in which I find ultimately interesting and appealing, knowing the general fact that guys don’t really have an affinity for novels.
Maybe it was because you were nice to me; you opened the door for me; you said hello; you gave me a goodnight text.
Or maybe it was because of you loved art as much as I did.

You might be ugly; rubenesque,skinny,vertically-challenged, tall, fair-skinned,dark etc.

But those profound qualities that made me see through all of that was what mattered to me. Please note that I no longer have any interest in any of you. It’s a temporary thing and pardon my fickle-mindedness. Although I still find those values attractive if any men were to possess it.

Thanks for inspiring me dear attractive guy(s).

This post also goes to Logan Lerman for his mesmerising eyes, Johnny depp for mmm…everything? and T.O.P for being the only hot asian that I know off.

Crushless and a living paradox (only if you noticed),

F.

No, you can't come in.

2011-11-29T22:49:00.000+08:00

You can't just simply do that.

Stay out there.

Starve, cry or die.

And see if I'm ever gonna give a care in the world.

1+1+2

2011-11-29T13:20:00.002+08:00

I was lying on the bed with her sleeping soundly by my side. I smiled. I looked at her – not in a stalkish edward cullen way – but more like an affectionate sister kind of way.

And the memories were rushing within my memory cells like a dam with torrents of water spilling out, gushing with force making it’s way through my brain.

I laughed.

I am reminded of the days when it was just the two of us in the UK and the other 2 brothers weren’t even born yet. I remember we had our own way of talking gibberish, our own rhymes that didn’t make any sense at all. Actually, we still do that don't we? :D

Exhibit A: I dont know who did so isinanienino <-- THIS

We would play together because it was just the two of us. I only had you and likewise.

I smiled.

I vividly remember the times where you would tease me and bug me everytime we went to bed. Where mum would order us to sleep at 10 but we would talk or have small arguments or you bugging me non stop to make me laugh or tickling me just so I won’t sleep. Why? because you couldn’t sleep and you wanted me to accompany you. I still remember one night we laughed so hard about something that I can’t recall, and it was 1.00 a.m. and umi went barging in our room with a hanger in one of her hand scolding us. Asking us to keep quiet and sleep or else we’ll get a good beating. And we pretended to sleep but when she left, we were giggling under the blankets. Pointing and blaming each other for waking umi up.

I smirked.

I remember when we had a talcum powder fight. Yes talcum powder! You were the one who started it. It was always you. All that angelic sweet demure smile were all a facade to a doppelganger/trouble maker! Of course, only in our household would that side of your’s show itself. And I remember that at that time, when we finished pouring and spilling talcum powder to each other as if it was snow, our whole room (especially the bed and the floor) was covered with it. Then, dad came in and was extremely furious at us up to the point where he punished us! HAHA. And what was the form of punishment? We had to clean our bathroom. That was the funniest! Because we had more fun in the bathroom (being locked from the outside) by splashing water at each other but we still got the job done.

One tear.

And not to mention the countless fights which are still ongoing until now. Mainly because of your provocation, prejudice and my short-temperedness, alwayswantingtowininanargument attitude (which you blame debate for and which I deny whole-heartedly). The fact that you tattle-tale mostly everything to umi which I would like to believe are always under the reason of good intentions – jsyk, I still HATE THAT.

I wipe it away.

Nevertheless, it would never change the fact that you were there for me before everyone else was. (exception to parents) Before rahman was there, before abanglangthecorpulentnninnywhammer was even born. It could never change the fact, that you were my first playmate, my first ever friend, the first person who slapped me when I was just a puny infant!!! MEAN and also, above all, my awesome sister who will always be mistaken as my twin.

You’ve always been the prettier one, I’ve always been the smarter. And I'm not even going to pretend and say I was never jealous of that.

I lie down.

We had an awesome 4 years accompanying each other without the annoyance of new little baby brothers. I enjoyed that moment

I close my eyes.

And nobody can ever replace that. The fact that you’re my favourite sibling. Always have, always will.

and I dozed off with a smile on my face.

xoxo

Adik (:

steering away

2011-11-29T00:43:00.000+08:00

2+1+4

2011-11-29T00:22:00.003+08:00

I just want a story to tell.

Somewhere along the lines of:

“Yeah, that’s him alright. And I managed to live with and without his love. The latter part was undeniably an ordeal, but I, we, braved through it all. Even when all the odds were against us. Because we knew better. To have faith.”

And they would smile. And hug me. They’d say, ” M, I’m glad you found your way back to him”

And run to him, and hug him. “D, you made the right decision.”

That’d be a really pleasant story to tell.

Yeah. Mmm, kinda like that. I’m not trying to insinuate that I’m waiting or hoping.

No, god no. Don’t get me wrong.

But this is me being me. Always wanting to take a glimpse into the future.

My world.

But it’s all a fairytale isn’t it. The world doesn’t revolve around me/myworld and it’s not all fine and dandy.

So, time to kill it. Burn it. Throw it away. And wait to summon it, someday.

Rest in peace.

Wonders how the other part of someday looks like.

2+2+2

2011-11-28T02:20:00.006+08:00

Dear stranger,

I wish I could meet you now. To know how you would treat me when I’d be needing you. Would you hold me tightly? Would you act crazy and make a fool out of yourself just to make me happy and to carve a smile on my face? Would you be uptight and instead of the aforementioned, you’d only pat me on the back, give me a word or two to make things okay and act as if everything never happened?

Would you like my friends and would they, in turn, like you? I’m really curious. I hope they would. Because it’s extremely important for me to get their approval. I hope they won’t just like you, I hope they’d love you. I hope you’d make them jealous. You’d make them say I’m the luckiest girl alive for having you in my life. That they would want a person just like you. That you’d be an excellent father to my kids. That despite your imperfections, you’re still perfect.

Would we be holding hands when we walk together? Or would you put your arms on my shoulder and walk gallantly around just to show how I’m yours and nobody else would matter? Would you be the one who’d possibly change my point of view towards men? Change the fact that in my head, men are all insensitive to our feelings, one girl would never be enough and they’re all but selfish? Would you be able to provide me a sense of security even when there are much more pretty fishes in the sea compared to me?

Lets go backpacking around Europe and meet people from all walks of life. Lets sing to the songs of Zee Avi like “Just You and Me” or The Smiths or even your favourite rock band or our own song. It’s okay if you don’t know the wordings, we can just hum to the melody. And it’s perfectly fine if you have a horrible voice, because that makes the two of us.

Sitting at the bench in the park, just the two of us and run around chasing swans, feed them bread and laugh until we’re out of breath. And sit again, for hours on end, talking about stuff that matters and stuff that don’t matter.

But more than anything, I want you to make me a better person. We’d do all the things together. Like pray together, read the Quran together. Remind each other about the obligations and responsibilities that we have towards our dear religion, together.

I hope you would put up with my mood swings given that there’s a high chance that I would have to go through tht inevitable phase of hormonal change once a month and also, my craziness. I hope you can put up with me when I wake-up in the morning and when nothing seems to feel right to me and due to that, I get all short tempered. You would know when I would need you and when I need some time alone, making peace with myself.

I hope you’d open up to me and tell me your problems. That you’d throw a chunk of your ego out of the window because you’d want me to, more than anything, participate in your life. Tell me everything about you; from your family, to your friends to your history and that won’t be the end.

Your mom, your dad, would they love me? I’m pretty anxious about that. But I hope she would. He would. I really do. And I wish the same, that my family would adore you.

I won’t ask much from you. Because even if you’re not good-looking, (I hope you’re tall though) even if you’re not from a wealthy family or even if you’re from a broken family, I’ll still love you. I’ll love every little bit of imperfection that you have. Because I am the same.

I wish we will meet someday in the future. That our paths would intersect. For you to answer these questions that are lingering at the top of my head.

And when we meet, I really hope that it’d be in a bookstore – vintage would be a bonus. I’d be immersing myself in a world of my own with a book in my hand and you’ll be standing there, asking me if the seat in front of me is occupied.

And we’ll talk, and we’ll fall in love and we won’t be strangers no more.

Until then.

From my heart flow

2011-11-27T04:01:00.004+08:00

It's just one of those nights, or technically speaking.. mornings where you just feel nostalgic and you decide to open up the box full of things that you've shoved under your bed; letters that were forgotten; a secret note given by your close friend; emails that are hundreds of pages back.. they could have been forgotten, left disintegrating in the virtual land's soil; a scrap of paper that seems to hold some form of significance before but you can't quite recall; messages saved in your phone ever since you owned it which leads to a plethora of discoveries: Friends you were once so close to but no longer talk to anymore, friends who are still your friends, nicknames given by your senior whom you used to text non-stop,mmses from best friends, strangers and a lover.

Looking back at all of those fragments of nearly forgotten memories, I choose to remember all of this.

If there's anything that could explain the state that I am in right now:

I am a bag full of mixed emotions. But mostly, happy.

How am I you ask?

Repeating those three familiar words that seems to be ingrained in my brain for quite a while, to end this post and answer that question:

All is well.

p.s. Happy birthday to my schoolmate, Keluargapenyayang mate and debate mate Amnah Ismail. Much love amsie! :)
p.p.s the occasion this time is Amsie's birthday and the emotional catharsis that was involuntarily initiated.

Tasnim, where are you?

2011-11-23T22:11:00.001+08:00

Where's your blog?

I just made you pop-lar.

Not that it matters to you or you would even care.

2011-11-23T19:16:00.003+08:00

But try listening to these soothing songs. Just close your eyes and imagine yourself floating in the air, in an infinite space. In a cemetry. In an empty park, on a swing with the wind slowly caressing your skin, your hair softly tangled up.

Imagine yourself taking that dive from a cliff. Imagine yourself flying. Imagine yourself with the person that you love.

It would be worth your time. I hope.

and others

One week notice before I disappear

2011-10-26T22:11:00.000+08:00

Bidding adieu to the strangers who have been reading this blog; goodbye Sir/Mdm from Waterloo,Ontario, Canada; Mountain View, California; London, UK; Cairo, Al-Qahirah (assuming this is Zatil) ; fellow Sarawakians; Mom, dad, cousins, aunties, uncles, members of extended family; Shah Alam, Selangor; Nadia; AF; whoever you are.

Thank you very much for making that informed choice to spend ~~waste~~ a fraction of your time to read my ~~ridiculouslypointless~~ rants.

Will make a comeback when I see fit; as of now, *waives*

ZATIL HIDAYAH ADNAN

2011-10-25T13:34:00.001+08:00

I'm not even going to start giving excuses. One thing for sure, I didn't forget your birthday but rather I doubted.

I was kinda iffy about it whether your birthday was really on the 24th (usually my affirmation would be facebook eventhough I've already placed it in my diary - your birth date that is)

Doubt and forgetting are two different things !

So I must be excused and forgiven.

Excuses aside/

This one has been left in the draft for quite some time cuz I wasn't sure when your birthday was.

A video that I've made a few days back.

Hope I can make it up to you. :)

P.S. A comeback only for my loved ones. Expect no more for me :)

Adieu for now.

2011-10-23T23:51:00.001+08:00

Moving to another realm.

Catch me if you can.

2011-10-23T23:21:00.002+08:00

I'm still on my way in fulfilling the 'to do' list during holidays. And as I predicted (not really), the part where I aspired to learn how to play the guitar is quite, might I say, challenging.

Whatever it is, I will not give up neither will I surrender. (Notice the redundancy there?)

My mantra

2011-10-22T23:27:00.001+08:00

swimming in a sea of apathy

I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care

but as much as I say it everyday to rid my mind off of you,

why is it that I still do ?

The act of depraving - Imma show who's the boss.

2011-10-20T00:24:00.000+08:00

seek and ye shall find . . a monster lol

Yes, it

was all for

you.

Everything.

If you were

more observant,

you'd notice.

But

you don't and

you won't.

Ever.

Because

that's you.

And

you won't

ever.

own up.

2011-10-19T23:09:00.000+08:00

I am ever so curious about who and where and what and when.

But I guess you will never come out of your hiding to be brave enough to tell me who and where and what and when.

Maybe that's just too much.

So maybee, lets just start with who.

Catch my drift?

Void of memories

2011-10-19T22:23:00.000+08:00

cheshire overlooking the picturesque scenery

In the cup of coffee,

I stir,

full of memories,

preserved.

In a large room,

roared laughter,

now,

silent chatter.

I'm sure,

I had her in my arms,

all that's left now

are but qualms.

I wonder,

if she wonders.

Do they wonder?

I am over here,

nothing but a loner,

with no company.

but my own laughter.

I cry in my sleep,

in my dreams I see you.

Will it ever be too late

if I asked her, "lets start anew?"

Farhana

Wednesday, 19th Octob 2011

It's a debate thing

2011-10-16T22:26:00.000+08:00

disclaimer: debate lingo alert.

Prior prep :

sleepy like hell.

During prep:

Me: Okay so the debate is about this *goes on and on and on*

Junior: *interrupts* Kak farhana, have you debated this motion before?

Me: Urm nope. Why? Banyak idea eh?

Junior: Yeah. I think your sleepiness helps. Next time, make sure you're sleepy before kita prep.

Me: Amboiii.

Dweebs that I can't stand.

2011-10-16T21:04:00.000+08:00

disclaimer: irrelevant post.

Funny how some people are blatantly ignorant about their own actions. Feeling no remorse at all even after doing it and worst, even has the guts to boast about their actions openly to the public.

One word: Disgusting.

Here's the case:
you've been eyeing that girl for months and you used every little bit of your strength to try and woo her . You get her but in the end, you take her for granted.

Going out one on one, two on one, heck even three on one with another girl saying to yourself, 'it's okay, as long as she doesn't know'.

Myeah, surely she doesn't know but if she miraculously finds out, wouldn't your actions be hurting her?

__________________________________________________________________

"Farhana, please don't tell her."

His voice, desperately pleading with guilt.

I stared blankly at him. Not knowing what to say.

"Please?"

"I bet you'll be furious at your girlfriend if she did it, didn't you?" I said in a rather discontented tone.

Sad to say, I conformed to it. Which if translated into a string or words would be, I'm just the same as my friend. Mean, ignorant, stupid, equally as disgusting and ungrateful.

There're things in life that aren't worth doing. Pandering to your stupid non-existent instincts would hurt certain people and surely, things will turn into a bloody war.

Mom told me to never talk to strangers.

2011-10-12T12:55:00.000+08:00

You know what?

I'm sorry to actually dismiss the whole notion of alienating myself from these people and disobeying my mom's orders but talking to strangers are actually quite nice; as long as they well-present themselves and they don't look like hobos - no off - by the street who sometimes (in certain foreign cases) give you that psycho-I-want-something-from-you-or-die look.

'Cause it feels so..real since there're no feelings to take care of, you don't know their background to actually judge them and the thrill to talk to someone you've never known, ever is just very pleasant.

Overall, strangers in general are very nice.. given some reservations.

Hiyya strangers, I actually like you.

GVOYs

2011-10-09T01:30:00.000+08:00

gratuitous video of myself.
and the end of the video, is the ultimate GPOY.

Fact is, I talk to myself.

2011-10-09T01:21:00.000+08:00

a picture that doesn't have anything to do with a toilet and the following story.

And fact is, I did talk to myself in the bathroom today. Fact is, it's sick and disgusting to tell people that you talked to yourself in the lavatory but fact is also, that I might happen to be brushing my teeth or helping my mom clean the toilet at that time and might also be nagging at my brother whose cleaning and washing off the dirt on his shoes. So don't think otherwise.

And fact is, this is a long post, so you don't really have to spare your time reading it if you feel like nature's calling or your tummy's rumbling or your little brother or sister is throwing a tantrum desperately wanting your attention.

As I was saying- In the bathroom, I suddenly thought about a statement given by a friend of mine (cue: lily allen song) about how this pious person was so good at preaching yet that person also did the same pathetic thing that was pretty much against the syariah (Islamic Law). Simply put, he's not walking the talk lah. The poor accusations that were brought upon that individual and how other people condemn , - alright, I confess, I do that too (accusing and condemning) - his acts in violation to the I. Law just because he preaches and doesn't walk the talk.

I said to myself ~~what a wonderful world~~ while brushing my teeth,

hey, this person, this pious person we're talking about is also human. Alright, he might be better than us on the exterior but that doesn't mean that he's free from any mistakes. Okay, so he does remind people of the do's and dont's in Islam but haven't you ever thought that that person might also need some reminding Farhana? Have you!!! (exaggeration) Rather than condemning. It's just not smart. And that's the function of a friend, to remind when you commit a ~~crime~~ mistake(s).

If you've reminded that person and he/she still doesn't give a hoot, it's either you:

a) give up b) continue reminding

Fact is, this post can be related to a lot of songs and fact is, my quota for the usage of 'fact is' in a post has reached it's limit.

Don't try to make sense out of my nonsense. Or you'll be as equally as nonsensical as I am.

End of rant.

A few pounds gained and none lost.

2011-10-09T00:19:00.003+08:00

I wanna die, I wanna die. Down South Louisianaaaaa

So maybe not literally. Maybe it seems cool to sing that song with it's depressing aura and melody seeping in the atmosphere and make everybody else feel as depressed as I am. It really makes you feel like you want to die; not that I want to but maybe I want to try to commit suicide in a fun way and fail in my attempt. No there's nothing wrong with me and no, this is not me being a cheapskate craving for a stranger's attention . That's just how awesome that song is to me.

. . .

and if I were to die, I would want to do it the cool way. Just like how Greta did, and failed voluntarily.

Tell me how is it not cool to drown yourself in a pair of sneakers, a lovely dress and a sunny day? TELL MEEE.

I am weird. I know. I think of the random-est things and for some reason, the idea remains in my head for a few days or weeks. It will only be normal if I start losing interest in it and find another lame, random, fun and exhilarating thing to think about and preoccupy most of my favourite pastime which is day dreaming.

Peace out. (I've ran out of dramatic endings)

360 degrees and back

2011-10-08T15:51:00.000+08:00

It's extremely funny, at least to me, how small the world or planet earth for that matter, can be.

I look to my right and then, my friend's beside me. I look behind her/him, I see another friend who I used to be friends with but we were too small back then to even remember. It's either I have a knack at remembering people's faces or she/he just doesn't seem to bother. And then, there's another friend behind that friend, that I think I've seen before but my brain can't quite register when and where we met. But we've played in the sandbox before, had a few childish innocent conversations with, made mud pies and ate playdoh together but I just can't remember. And then, there's a friend of my father's daughter or son or a friend of my mother's daughter or son (which can sometimes be quite complicated to digest) and the list of it goes on and on.

I think I heard this from some TV drama or sitcom, but each and every one of us in this world are somehow connected with each other. It's just that we don't know it or we just don't bother to know.

Who knew that I used to hangout with one of my best friend's best friend and that best friend of his was once my friend who is my dad's friend's (or colleague) daughter. Ahhhh, this world is small and complicated and sophisticated and that's how things are supposed to be.

Somehow in this world, we have a friend we know, one we have known, one we have yet to know and one we don't know. Let's find 'em !

Life, lies and lust.

2011-10-07T16:42:00.000+08:00

If you could have only controlled your lust, you wouldn't end up lying so much and our life wouldn't have turned out to be as much of a trainwreck as it is right now.

Nevermind, I'll walk with my chin up, hold the hands of my other halves just to give them the strength and skip like nothing ever happened.

I'll dance to the rhythm and I'll sing to the beat.

That's what I'd do. Yeah, that's what I'd do.

All of this and that.

2011-10-07T01:01:00.000+08:00

have you ever felt that you wanted to get angry at somebody but you know you're not supposed to feel so. And it makes you end up feeling more guilty than you are angry and your insides just churn because you have to contain both of those feelings at once and you can't vent out your anger and there's no way you can get rid of that guilty feeling that you have in your guts. You tell yourself that the only remedy (or remedies) for that is to either scream at the top of your lungs, cry as hard as you can, run as fast as you could, jump from a cliff, eat as much as your heart desires, sleep like there's no tomorrow, swear like a sailer/fisherman (whichever), cut your wrist if you had the guts (several failed attempts), smoke a dozen of ciggs at one time and the list goes on and on.

All that just to relieve yourself from that guilt and anger inside.
All that.

p.s. I'm eating like a pig, back pains and all. I think there's an answer as to why I'm acting so. :\

An attempt to increase my daily productivity

2011-10-06T20:57:00.000+08:00

There are a few things that I would like to achieve before my 4 month holiday comes to an end. And these are the things that are on my mind (as of now) :

1) to learn how to sew a baju kurung
2) to learn how to play an instrument
3) to paint/draw
4) to travel

that's it

Baby-sitted a while back

2011-10-04T16:35:00.000+08:00

and this picture evokes the innocence of my cuzzies/lil kids imo

twirling in a kind of pirouette

2011-10-02T14:17:00.001+08:00

I owned the mall yesterday. As we went rummaging through the shelves finding the endless list of groceries that needed some finding, I saw something sparkly (not edward cullen) from afar. It enticed me, with it's perfect symmetry and the memories that it brought back from my childhood.

I reached for it, standing on my tippy toes, since some stupid grown-up was ignorant enough to hang it up above the clouds in the kiddie section (realising the fact that it is a section for kids).

intermission: I think I just insulted myself.Note to self, I am not short.

I scanned the place if there was anybody other than my sister,

I looked to my right,

and then to my left,

made a 360 degree turn just to check,

okay, so the coast was clear.

I took the hula hoop and twirled it around my waist. Feeling like an athelete specifically a gymnast, I tried to maintain it's rotation to the optimum speed and in that, around my waist. Whilst I was preoccupied at that, I made stupid faces to my sister and things that I wouldn't have done if somebody else ( a stranger or an acquaintance) was around. Yeah, talk about stating the obvious.

I repeated the same thing over and over again. (note: the twirling, the hips, the waist and the stupid *facepalms* face.)

Only to realise at the end of my twirling sesh, there was an old chinese man staring from afar, with a red face which I assume, indicated that he was trying his best to hold his laughter.

Or, he applied blusher on his cheeks.

Okaaaayyyyyy.

My heart will rest in someone else's hand

2011-09-28T23:46:00.001+08:00

And for once, I thought I'd never feel that strange tingling sensation in my heart ever again.

But you came, a different face with a set of new words and phrases laced with sweet confectioneries to make
this heart melt once again.

I fell for that.

I fell for you.

And you fell for me,

genuinely?

And I told you, I'm sorry. I'm still wrapped in a caccoon of fear.
Maybe those words are enough to tempt me, but this time, I told myself that I am smarter.

I make decisions based on past precedence.

And I said, I'm sorry. I apologise. This is what it has done to me.

And then, with those three words, I ended what might be a possible of 9 months/1 year/10 years of promises of 'I'll never leave you's and artificial happiness that might agonise this fragile little heart.

I felt liberated, like the small compounds in the air, like the birds flying to nowhere.

I felt content.

And he said, but maybe next time?

I walked away, gave a side-long stare, and shrugged. Maybe. But just not tonight, alright ?

I know, I'll wait. I won't be playing anymore games in the near future.

Whenever right comes, right would be righteously for me and only me.
We'll just wait and see. What's life without quaint surprises popping out at the most unpredictable of times, betul tak?

;)

Pretending invisibility

2011-09-21T12:17:00.001+08:00

I never learn from my own fucking lessons do I ?

I just never learn.

I repeat the same fucking mistakes over and over again. Thinking that regret is just a phase of life that I should embrace with open arms. Doing things without ever thinking it over. Thinking that spontaneity is something fun and thrilling; in the underlying fact that I do not know the outcome or even if the act is foreseeable yet I'm still trying to act oblivious about it. Fuck.

Look what I've done to myself. Just fucking look.
I'm glad that I fucking thought it over.

THIS IS THE FUCKING END.

BANG.

p.s. excuse the profanity. I needed it. Only read the good stuff.

Musk and dusk

2011-09-21T00:21:00.000+08:00

It's been a rather gloomy week as far as I am concerned. With the rain occupying half of the day and the sun shying away; at certain unexpected intervals, glorifying us with it's presence.

Today, I felt a little bit more productive than the usual. I guess, when I think about it back, I am never who I used to be. I am half diligent, half the hardworking student I used to be, half determined, half focused and almost every aspect of my life and my habits have decreased to a factor of 5. I am more disappointed than I have ever been in my entire life.

I strongly feel that I need a wake up call. Something that can shake me out of this limbo that I am in. This complacent coccoon. A drive that can force me to be the person who I used to be; for that person is better than who I am now. I need that.

Secondry was filled with competition and rivalry. The drive to be the best and to get that scholarship and achieve my dreams. But now that I've achieved the former but the later, I'd like to say is still suspended in the air and in the brink of it being shattered, I do not know what should be my incentive to strive not hard but harder.

I want to be different. I want to be extraordinary. I want to be weird. I want to be . . somebody.

But where do I have to start; picking up the trails that I have long left ?

I'm glad that my roommates are more than supportive of me. I'm glad that I have them to at the very least, release my inhibitions. :)

There's always an underlying reason to every occurrence and in these words I trust. In these words, I tell myself, with a pat at the back, everything will be fine if I start making a move towards the change I believe in.

A drive exists, the only thing I need to do now is to find it.

Pumped up kicks

2011-09-18T10:41:00.001+08:00

"It's not necessary to go far and wide. I mean, you can really find exciting and inspiring things within your hometown."

Daryl Hannah

"When you finally go back to your old hometown, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood"
Sam Ewing

When I saw the signage "Bandar Dato' Onn" I was already on cloud nine, I already imagined the amount of unnecessary things that I needed to do upon my arrival here. Back home. In Johor Bahru. Things that would make me feel normal once more, things that would eventually relive all the memories I had for the past few years. I thought about the endless list of things that I needed to do.

The smell of all things familiar. The air that you breathed in throughout the years of your life. Your whole system that already got used to the same surroundings and you left it for quite sometime to pursue your dreams. Your whole system that left that is now embracing the same feeling of all things you were accustomed to before your life turned out differently.

I slept to the comfort of my old bed, my own humongous room ( I think I should give her some credit), the air ; cool clean air breeze that for some reason is extremely refreshing not like in KL and the smell of my own room. Yes the smell, need I emphasize more about it? Sleeping to this surrounding made me forget all of my problems albeit it being temporary. And somehow, I swear that I slept with a smile smacked right there on my face. I assure you also, that I slept soundly like a baby.

You know that it's home when (according to me) you know the exact quaint food stalls that serves the most havenly delicious food yet the world knows not off. The traditional food of your state is what you've been craving, lusting for months before. The image of the food itself makes you salivate like a hungry dog and you'd choose it over high-end gourmet food anytime. You'd choose otak-otak over sphagetti, you'd choose laksa johor over any fancy hors d'oeuvre. You know it's your home when you seem to memorise all the whereabouts of the province you are in and yet if you're lost, you still know where to head - instinctively. The atmosphere, the roads, the food, the people, the drivers (esp Johor drivers, don't tell me you havent heard 'bout them) but most importantly the memories of your childhood; your school and your friends.

I've seen you transform dear Johor as I grew up and it's such a shame that I'd not be seeing this sight and the transformation that it would undergo for the years to come.

If only life turned out differently,

2011-09-16T10:29:00.000+08:00

I sometimes wonder if you still , and me.

Probably yes , probably no.

Have we reached an end or have we not.

I am just curious, as always.

picture perfect memories

2011-09-14T15:48:00.002+08:00

Evidently . .

2011-09-14T15:28:00.000+08:00

Went to Jaya One with atenpip. Thanks for accompanying me to Wendy's just

to buy the iced-lemon tea for break fast. I've been craving for that a lot lately. :')

DEBATEtraining

sans Saddiq , Harris and my dad (kamal :( )

Fakhry acting all cool with his medical glasses.

'Helps me see clearly' says he

An array of dispositions during a debate.

disclaimer : He is not visually-impaired and he is NOT reading braille.

although it looks pretty much like it.

Master Yoda doesn't have enough power to levitate. Ergo, the chair

Notice the gangster t-shirt.

OG with me.

'Hey farhana, can you twitpic my picture?'

Emm, I blogpic-ed your picture ?

unnecessary

arabic kalam oral . (redundant) This morning.

Beloved madam Bad. (pronounce it in malay please)

Bye.

the subtle message behind this insignificant picture

2011-09-14T14:57:00.000+08:00

Catch my drift ?

I talk inside my head better yet nobody knows what I said

2011-09-14T14:50:00.001+08:00

rather than writing down what I did (which takes a whole lot of brain juice) I figured that'd be much easier for me to draw things.

Things that I did :

got admitted in a hospital. My doctor doesn't look like Harry Potter, he doesn't wear skinny jeans neither

does he look young but one thing I assure you is that he is nice to me .

And I like him.

The picture doesn't really hold any resemblance to my doctor's facial features.

The least I could do.

Spent three days there . With a few sessions of physiotherapy and things that needed to be done.

Thank god for wifi . Or else, I'd be in a much worst state than I was in at that time.

Disclaimer : the picture doesn't depict the writer.

Now , all that I gotta do is to study and revise.

Finals is around the corner. Got so much to read and so much to catch up with.

Good luck people !

Have a nice day :)

Things I do when I get bored.

2011-09-08T18:17:00.001+08:00

THIS ON PAINT

I'd like to do this someday with my loved one .

2011-09-04T02:26:00.001+08:00

MOVE from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.

What it looks like to travel the world in one minute :)

Of if onlys and regrets .

2011-09-04T01:43:00.001+08:00

The memories of us are shattered in pieces . Each and every one of them , scattered throughout the whole universe; remaining as an afterthought to you . If only you understood how these memoirs of us where more than profound to me. The unending photographic memories that'll forever be replayed in my mind , treasured and kept . Everything now is but a memorabilia to you . Still, it means much more than that to me .

When will I finally bring myself to stop clicking the refresh button ?

And when you look in hindsight , years on from now , will you ever feel a tinge of regret ?

If only you would , if only you did.

And if only I knew those answers , I'd probably feel much better than I am right now.

Recollections of memories are but painful.

Here's a toast to you guys out there, those stuck in an abyss. Where the sun never shines and darkness prevails all year round .

Cheers

and Oh, Eid Mubarak to all ! (better late than never)

Justin Bieber

2011-09-04T00:52:00.000+08:00

Disclaimer : Sorry to disappoint if you're searching anything related to JB, because this has nothing to do with him.

Over the past few years, I’ve been searching for someone who could understand me, or even if he couldn’t, he’ll try to understand me despite my constant emotional flux that I tend to be in regularly; he’ll stick to me no matter what.

I’ve been searching for that person but it has been a rather a perilous journey by which emotions are the properties which are held at stake; where you always have to up your ante because of the state that you’re in; if you lose, somebody will definitely make an excuse out of something to leave the other and who knows what.

I’ve been searching for a person who will be loyal to me in times of thick and thin. Times where calamity and adversity calls and there’s nothing but love to hold onto. Nothing but love as faith. Nothing but principles that we adhere to hold us firmly to the ground . Principles that might in some way contradict with each other, yet we will, in the end, definitely find a way to agree with each others’ differences and go through the ordeals smoothly as what god has preordained upon us. We'll never fail to carve a smile on each other's face despite these things.

I’ve been searching high and low and I never found that person, and frankly , I nearly gave up.

All I wanted was somebody to hold me in times of difficulty, a person who’d totally get why I’m suddenly quiet and knows every reason behind the abrupt silent demeanor that I hold or the reason behind every tear. The reason behind every frown that seems to be carved upon my face.

My efforts have been rather futile, again. And my patience was already up to it’s limit.

But come to think of it, I think I’ve found that somebody, scratch that, I definitely know that I’ve found my perfect companion. A person who satisfies all the above pre-requisites without even needing to try so hard. A person, whom I know, would always be at my beck and call (for relevant purposes) and a person, who will, no matter what, stand up for me when I’m at my lowest. A person, who knows when to put his priorities first and put all the irrelevants aside.

Dear P,

Good luck in pursuing your degree. I wish you all the best. You have been there when I most needed you and have never failed to lend me a shoulder to cry on. Lastly, trust me, we will realise that dream of ours and raise our kids together in the UK where you will be allowed to have your own backyard garden where we will be living as neighbours, happily married and our kids will be best friends just like how we were.

Love,

p.s. take care, if anybody dares to do anything to you, I’ll break their bones and make some broth out of that. If that makes you feel any better.

p.p.s P, you know who you are . Parseltongue

Shopping carts and trolleys.

2011-08-28T13:36:00.004+08:00

These past few days after coming back to my home sweet home, I'd been pretty busy. Well, maybe for starters, busy with spring cleaning (eventhough not that much) since my mom is more of the type who'd be cleaning the house all out a day before ramadhan. So practically, we don't really have much to do.

Second thing that has kept me busy is shopping. Lets face it, yes, I hate shopping but sometimes when it comes to spending my time with my cousins/sister, I'd do anything and especially given the fact that I didn't want to be left alone in the house/with my maid..doing nothing. Rather than being counterproductive, at the very least, I should walk a bit and lose more carbs (yes, I've been losing weight. :DD )

We went to Jalan TAR yesterday by LRT of course. Surely none of us would want to endure the long hours of traffic jam which would undoubtedly take up most of our time. Went there to buy tudung raya and all for them cousins. Anyways, one of the things that I observed throughout my short journey to Jalan TAR was about the bad LRT service. Oh gosh , waiting for the LRT was a nightmare I tell you. When I was in hong kong, we didn't have to wait that long for an LRT but here... (inserts inappropriate words to convey my sentiments)

Hmmmh.

And yesterday we went shopping again in the quest to search for my cousins (yes, 3 of them) baju kurung. We searched high and low for their baju kurungs. Firstly we went to Plaza Masalam but to no avail and then the last option was to drive all the way to Jakel in Shah Alam. The choices of baju kurungs were very limited especially looking at the fact that they were searching for a peach/orange-ish-coloured baju kurung (theme for the Bahari's this year) which didn't really help in easing the problem.

There were pretty baju kurungs, but it was way too expensive. Such a rip off I tell you. But suddenly, this kind saleswoman came up to us and offered a pretty good rebate (only to us, said twas student's discount) Frankly, I don't know if there exists such a thing called student rebate in Jakel...prolly she made it up 'cause she wanted commission. Haha.

Luckily, we did find peach-coloured baju kurungs and we went back.

And when we arrived home, all of us were as flat as a tire. (literal translation of pancit much LOL)

That's it I guess.

Now, we end this post with the whole dang schbang.

from left:
were-dini, were-fahna, were-nabila, were-husna
not in the picture: Liyana

yeah, were-cupcakes. Half cupcake, half human. Matches the theme for this month anyways, bulan buat kuih.

Love is an amorphous being.

2011-08-25T13:12:00.002+08:00

Rely is a very bad word. An extremely offensive word. In fact, I take it as a pejorative word just like sad, depressed and dying.

Before I further on continue my blabbering for today, let's just understand in depth what is the definition of 'Rely'

to depend confidently; put trust in (usually followed by on or upon ): You can rely on her work.

Synonyms
trust, count, bank.

OR

— vb , -lies , -lying , -lied
1. to be dependent (on): he relies on his charm
2. to have trust or confidence (in): you can rely on us

You know why I hate the word so much? Or even the action of relying on people?

Because firstly, you're turned into a person who'll be dependant on others.You'll live in this
complacent caccoon assuming that nature will do it's job and you have to sit around
while people pamper you with the things you rely on.

For instance, you depend on another person to make you feel happy when you feel sad.
You rely on an individual to make you feel loved when there're a plethora of people out there who'd be
loving you unconditionally. Because you rely on an individual, you couldn't care less about the others.

You rely on people's compliments to make you feel good, to cloud all of the negative thoughts that in reality
will be playing inside your head each and every second.

When you rely, you forget that you can actually stand on your own two feet.

When you rely, you sort of put your fullest trust on a person. Also might be called blind faith.

It's bad to rely on people because once that person whom you depend on highly leaves you,
whether due to death, nature, withdrawal of emotions, you're lost.

You don't know how to start back alone. You become a pathetic handicapp.

Emotionally handicapped. Can't say physically though, but to some extent it can render you so.

It's an artificial impediment that acts as a barrier for you to actually be independent.

This, is why I hate the word rely. Because I've been putting my fullest faith on that word that I've been tricked.

I've been relying too much on people. And I need to stop that.

Maybe the end of it was a revelation for myself.

I need to find myself and start the day anew, not by depending on others but myself.

" That's what you get when you let your heart win - Paramore "

p.s. And I'm not blaming anybody for this. Don't worry.
p.p.s. Hmmmh

The time is fit.

2011-08-25T12:21:00.001+08:00

~~Time worked out. Good job time.~~

Sorry guys for the pretty long (??) hiatus.

I wasn't really in the mood to share anything with anyone. If you're a blogger, surely you'll know what I mean.

Life has been tough these few days. I seriously don't know where to start. I don't want to complain and tell everything to the whole wide world but sometimes writing everything down seems to be just the trick to help you move on with your life.

I dunno why but there's just something so therapeutic (I managed to spell that) about writing.

Something so mysterious.

And right now, I'm pretty clueless as to what I'm supposed to write.

See ya.

2011-08-17T11:56:00.000+08:00

This will be the last of me.

None will ever hear from this medium of information. Ever, again.

Or you will, when I see fit.

Adieu.

I'm still breathing.

2011-08-17T01:33:00.001+08:00

All is well.

Cul-de-sac

2011-08-11T13:39:00.000+08:00

I just need to remind myself time and time again that I got myself into this and if I get hurt, it's my fault and nobody else's.

That I have no right to control anybody's life. That I am just an overly emotional individual who likes to keep things to herself and would rather let her inside's rot than telling a soul.

That whatever that anybody else does should not be of my concern and I shouldn't give a hoot.

And that I should try my best to avoid these individuals that make me feel bad about myself.
But what if it is impossible? What if you're obliged to talk to that person everyday?

Figure it out lah.
The sooner you end this the better.
So that nobody will get hurt; somebody will but it definitely shouldn't be me. :)

Half of my heart

2011-08-04T01:08:00.000+08:00

Tarawikh has always been an integral part of ramadhan. At the very least, that's what I think. I think that my ramdhan is incomplete without the tarawikh prayers. Yes, maybe people might say that it's tedious and it's a sunnah anyways, nobody's obliged to do it.
But I believe, everytime I perform my tarawikh prayers, every year, I learn something new.

This year, I think tarawikh has turned into a more significant event that I actually look forward to. Why?
Because on the usual, when I was at home, my parents would be the one who'd encourage me to go to pray tarawikh and basically they wont take no as an answer. Simply said, I was forced to. But this year, it all depends on me. My conscience. Since I'm not living with them right now, I'm forced to make a decision. I can always say no and sit in my room. Go online 24/7.
But my conscience says no.

This year, for the first few days of ramadhan I think, as a person, I've grown closer to Him. Since, firstly, I can actually understand the verses that the imaam is reading during prayers and that gives me a huge advantage; it makes it easier for me to concentrate during prayers and when I listen carefully and remember the ayaahs (verses), it actually makes me ponder after prayers. And think of the things stated in the Quran. Secondly is because everything that I did/do/am doing, is according to my own will. So, no forcing or coercing. :)

Like the other day (first day of ramadhan), the imaam was reading this verse about how Prophet Adam a.s was ousted from heaven to earth and how the other prophets have actually sinned and how Allah has taught them a way to repent. He also read about a verse that said how Allah is prepared to forgive their servants if they invoke to Him. In my head, I was thinking that why aren't we taking any chances out of this offer? Even after the prayers that Allah has taught us, we're still not using it to our advantage.

Why?

Today, the imaam read a soorah pertaining about women for the entire tarawikh session in which it made me smile.

All in all, what I want to say is that, I didn't lose anything when I was forced to take up arabic but I believe I've gained more.

Thanks umi for forcing me to take up shariah, even though I know I've to go through hell first, I know that the outcome would make me a better person and insyaAllah, a person who learns everything new everyday. :)

Arab mood. :D

2011-08-03T00:38:00.000+08:00

لا تسالني حبيبي مين مثلي بيحبك عندك تلاقي الجواب لو تسال قلبك

مين مثلي الي مين
يا لالي
كان حبك من سنين
في بالي
نار شوقي والحنين
يا لالي
ويل ويلي اه يا ويل
وين حالي

لاتسالني لا مين الي بهواه ما عندي غيرك بقلبي وانت لي بهواه

لا تسالني حبيبي مين مثلي بيحبك عندك تلاقي الجواب لو تسال قلبك

نار حبك من زمان
يا ويلي
وين شوقك يا لي كان
يا عيني
شوق قلبك والحنان
يا ويلي
ويل ويلي اه يا ويل
ناسيني

Pre and Post Ramadhan. Part Uno

2011-08-02T23:52:00.001+08:00

There has been a lot going on this week that I've been procrastinating so much and I've actually forgotten what to actually write down here.

So, here are the events summarised briefly in a word or two:

1) Tasnim's farewell party
2) Shopping with the sister to Jalan TAR and all around KL. (just the both of us)
3) Fasting with my new roommates for this semester (which for some reason makes me happy and giddy and excited)

First things first,
Tasnim's farewell.
It was held over at Arinah's house and most of them brought food because it's suposed to be a pot-luck thingy but looking at the circumstance that I am in, I wasn't able to bring anything with me nor did I bring any presents for tasnim (or tasneem??) Felt kinda bad. Well, at the very least, our presence made her happy and hopefully it'd be one of the days where when she'll look back, it'll be able to carve a smile on her face.

Basically what we did was we ate the scrumptious food prepared by arinah and friends and after that, me, amnah, dina, nurul, riasat and nabilah played criminal (to kill time). Actually we intended to play charades but I didn't know what made us cancel that plan.

Anyways, a few minutes after that, we decided to play charades (the aforementioned names) and suddenly, tasnim and fareez wanted to play that everyone wanted to play THAT we had to play outside! Hahaha. Luckily, kak arinah's front lawn or the whole vicinity of her house was fairly big (and there was a pondok/gazebo) so, we played charades there. Didn't really mind about making noise since we're debaters anyways and kak arinah said that she's indian or sumin like that. Hehehe. (but if you're a person who values your morality to the utmost, just dont try this at home XD)

The game of charades ended, and what I can conclude is that:

1) I have no talent in acting
2) I have short-term memory loss that I forgot the name of the movie I was supposed to act out
3) I eat a lot. (tak ada kaitan)
4) and of course, WE WONNN!!!

But anyways, I loved the rice crispies Nurul made. It was the best rice crispy I've ever had! Everybody was fighting over it. Hahaha

And there was this whole

Lastly, Tasnim will surely be missed. She's an awesome person (and extremely nice too) Your presence will surely be missed. (now this sounds like an obituary HAHA) ~~not kissing ass~~

p.s. Is it tasnim or tasneem?

Alright, I guess that's all for today

My patience is tested

2011-07-29T12:39:00.001+08:00

Just ended my oral examination for arabic 2 hours ago and it was okay. When I say okay, it means that I got the questions of the oral beforehand, spent a good 30 minutes memorising the text and still stuttered in front of my lecturer upon being examined due to the excessive amount of adrenaline pumping in my blood that rendered me nervous, thus the outcome. Anyhow, I am still grateful that I survived my way through the oral. :D It wasn't that bad after all talking in arabic. I'm starting to get the hang of it and by the time I actually can talk, my life is nearly complete.

.أودُّ ان أتكلَّم في اللغة الجنّة ولكن لتجعل الخيالية إلى الحقيقة اجب ان امارس في كل الوقت

Alright. enough arabic for one day. Now, where's my criminal law book?

On Mid-sems.

2011-07-27T01:24:00.001+08:00

RIP Luna :')

Okay, so this week mid semester's actually taking place and as usual,when it comes to the exam week, the campus is often full of students carrying books here and there (and actually reading it) and students who fill the cafe to hold study groups or discussion and what not. I'm sure our lecturers would love this view if it were to last until the end of the semester. I know it's highly unlikely though. Hehe. Exhibit A: Myself.

And yesterday was my first paper, مهارت القراءة. Guess what? I didn't study that much and it's not something which I am proud of. Firstly, I went to UKM IV and eventhough my books did tag along and placed neatly in my bag, I didn't touch them. But wait, I did touch them! I just didn't open the book and read it. So, fruitless nonetheless. And no! don't get me wrong, I am not making debate as an excuse. I'm just showing you the lackadaisical attitude that I had, not persevering through the wrath and temptation of...worldly pleasures??? Okay, that doesn't make any sense.

And secondly, the reason why I didn't study (yes, this is highly interesting to those who actually try yo give a damn) was because I was stuck in a limbo and I didn't find my way out. Sad huh?

But I guess not revising didn't really take a toll on me since my friends who did revise from hours on end said that their efforts where fruitless since ustaz already planned to hijack us with his level 3 questions which consisted of arabic grammar and passages in which we had no idea of and in which is damn harder than level 4. Yeay to that! *dies*

Looking forward to the other مهارت after this and what it holds in store for us..which I predict is not something good.

Moving on, ramadhan is around the corner and I can just feel the spirit of ramadhan surging through my veins. Ala, you know, that indescribable feeling when someone special is going to come knocking on your door , so near yet so far ... okay so maybe you don't know and maybe I've been rambling for the past minute. But whatever it is, I think (err) I'm ready for Ramadhan! And I'm ready for the whole atmosphere, which is entirely different from the recent years. I'm ready mentally, physically and emotionally (isn't that mentally also).

My goal this year is to not have a goal at all. WEIRDH. To just let things happen and let nature do it's course. Although I will have a clear objective and guideline to help me survive through the month of ramadhan. Just so I won't transgress. Tehee

Here's to the holy month of Ramadhan...and exams which are secondry. :)

p.s. I miss kakak.

p.p.s if I say sorry first, will it change things, even if I don't mean it? Yup. I thought so too.

Jot this down.

2011-07-26T13:40:00.002+08:00

To love is to hurt.

But to what extent are we willing to hurt ourselves just to love. To what extent are we willing to hurt ourselves in order to succumb to the insidious effect of love.

How much are we willing to sacrifice our pride and emotions and how much are we able to go through pain and suffering just to feel...loved?

I've been asking myself that question.

Is it worth to love someone and get hurt by them at the same time?

Doesn't this just show how stupid we are, to let our guards down in order to feel the love from an individual(s)?

I hate what love does to people. They hurt you, they tear you apart, they rip your souls off your body (and I thought that that was impossible) and yet we're still willing to forgive that person. Because of love?

How stupid.

I hate how much you hurt me yet you're still able to make me love you.

Don't you know how much pain I've to go through. Oh wait, of course you dont.

You're an ignoramus after all.

Maybe that's why people burn bridges, to let go before they, themselves, suffer.

I'm gradually accepting that notion and who knows, I might just do the same thing.

Two words: watch me.

And on a seperate note, I enjoyed UKM IV. :) But I'd enjoy it more if I debated. Hehe

Wasallam,

p.s. Nadia, I miss you. As well as nani. :)

Doo doo doo doo.

2011-07-21T17:29:00.000+08:00

Humming to the songs of Allie Moss. Such a great singer.

There's been a plethora of events that has happened over the past few weeks. Some of which were pleasantly good and some of which were saddening and disappointing.

IIU IDC surely made a fantastic job in reliving the debate memories. The good and the bad. The things that for sometime, have been kept shut in the vault not wanting to reveal itself, slowly opens itself to me - because I let it to do so.

It reminds me just how much my juniors are lucky. How much my school has improved in the debating arena. Starting humbly as a school that was counted in as the underdogs in 2007. A school that only god knows where it is and how much we have persevered through those years is just extremely overwhelming.

Congratulations to everybody. Maybe the team was represented by 3 people, but only God knows how much people contributed and helped in their efforts to achieve success.

That's all. I think...for the meantime.

Comatose mode

2011-07-07T15:40:00.000+08:00

It's really hard to live in this life that's full of uncertainty. You've promised me a lot of things, I've heard broken promises countless times. Promises alone aren't able to convince me and it doesn't prove anything.

I've seen people surviving the wrath of time. I wonder how they do it. Even with the trials they've been constantly tested with, their faith and emotions still remains unshaken. Still firmly intact with their soul.

I wonder if we can be those people, the individuals who're still standing valiantly against the test of time.

Walking together, holding hands, smiling and still saying the things they did 5/10 years ago - and mean it.

Will we ever be?

What the future offers scares me. For some reason, everything is reasonably foreseeable to the average human being.

And the foresight to the future is something which I don't like to think about. Never really.

Saya sayang roomate saya - Fatin Afifah

2011-07-07T14:40:00.001+08:00

And yes, I was coerced into writing that title. Or else I'd be punished (what happens in the room stays in the room, and yes I made that sound so wrong)

raining

Today I don't have class and yes, I am happy about that. Although my happiness would easily fade if I don't find any activities/chores to do in order to fill the free time that I have in my hands (figuratively speaking) But I wonder what time would look like if I was speaking literally. Would it be a guy or a girl? Enough rambling.

Anyways, I'm happy to say that today I managed to fill my free time with chores/things that I needed to do that I have well procrastinated; those chores were piling up fast and if I didn't finish them all by today, I'd be crushed by the workloads that I have.

So, being the smart (mhmmm) student that I am, I woke up early (open to interpretation) and set out myself in the quest of completing these workloads.

Debate - Check
Library - Check
Money - Check

Basically I've done all these things and I feel astonishingly lighter right now. Hope I burned some calories from walking to and fro.

p.s. Luna's still being passive.

Dead hearts.

2011-07-07T02:17:00.000+08:00

My visions are blurred.

This morning I woke up and went to class. The problem with today was that I felt extraordinarily sleepy. Yeah, it's not as if I have never been sleepy in any of the classes that I've attend; especially in the morning since I'm not a morning person - Credits to whoever is. But the point is! Today, I was at my worst. I couldn't even open my eyes any longer than 3 minutes (and no, I'm not exaggerating) And I tried to pull everything off, you know, the acting part, where you want to sleep and you try your best to hold a pen in one hand and bow your head as low as you can to make it look as if you're writing something avidly and it worked! :D

As the day ended, I still contemplated on why I seemed to be extremely sleepy today and I figured it out!

I actually did figure it out.

Lucky that my grogginess ended in arabic class. Or else, I'd be dead meat in GPL (general principles of law) 2.

Nothing special about this post. Except if you care. Where in fact, nobody does. Oh well, gotta live widdat.

Rants/

2011-07-05T03:06:00.000+08:00

Why do people say the things that they say?

Stupid, disrespectful, belligerent, invasive and unpleasant statements.

Don't they know that people feel offended with those string of pathetic words that comes out of their mouth.

Nope, don't think so. That's why they say and act the way they do.

Boleh tak kau tutup mulut, senyap?

You want people to effing respect you, but you're not doing anything to gain that respect.

Can you do me a favour by bursting yourself into a million specs of dust and disappear into the world of oblivion that you're living in.

Still can't digest the very fact that primordial-neanderthalic individuals like you still exist.

Do me another favour,tolong lah jaga mulut kau tu sikit boleh tak? Hesh.

Kenapalah.